Jesus I'm a Goner.
Allright, so I'm terrible at dating. I'm also terrible at going out on second dates if the first date sucked. I am ALSO terrible at informing the person of that there will be no second date, and I am terrible at answering phonecalls which will inevitably coonfront me with the question of why oh why, was there no second date. What did I do wrong, was it my hair, cause I can cut my hair, is it my nose, I can cut my nose - bla bla bla.
All in all, I'm a terrible person. On the 26 th day of March, 19**, God created a Creep and saw that it was a giant barf.
I would not be a terrible person, I would not be going through a tumorous guilt trip if not for the fact that I'll be meeting one of these no-second-daters tonight. This is the downfall of dating someone you've worked with, who you thought was only a summertime security guard but who is NOT. Because he's BACK. Like CHUCKY. Only BIGGER. And he has a BATON the size of a BATON because he has an actual BATON and the HORROR of it all does not encourage silly metaphors or lower case letters.
The first warning sign came when he asked me if I really wanted to go out with him. I answered yes, because someone amazingly insane once said to "do unto others as you would do unto yourself", and I'm not so sure I would want someone laughing in my face. Besides, everyone deserves a chance, right? And on top of THAT, not every boy who asks you out wants to sleep with you, some just want to be your freind. With benefits. And that's an entirely different matter. B then goes on to tell me about all the bad experiences he's had with women who say yes, they would love to go out, but never turn up on their first date, leaving him standing alone at the cinema, ticket stubs in one hand, a sad little droopy corsage in the other. I mean come on. You don't tell reluctant potential dates that you're the guy nobody wants to go out with. It's like suicide. Only sadder.
The second warning sign revealed itself as I slid into his car for the first and last time. There's a tape lying on the dashboard. "Oh," methinks. "he is a musically inclined fellow." Turns out he is a Patsy (in)Cline(d) fellow. "Top twenty Truckers Favorites - The Best of Country Ever." I laughed, I cried, he stared at me laughing & he stared at me laughing till I was crying. Well, I don't really feel the need to elaborate. "Do unto others" never covered country.
We went to see The Pirates of the Caribbean which was as I suppose it was intended to be- a pleasant matinee, all the perfect ingredients for a 'nice' movie. But it wasn't hilarious. And while I smiled through a larger portion of it, my date guffawed his heart out, occasionally pausing to mercilessly jab me in the ribs. There's popcorn flying everywhere.
"Did you see that? That was so funny. Why aren't you laughing?"
"I'm smiling in the dark, only you can't see it, because I'm black."
"Was that a joke?"
"Okay."
(half a minute later)
"HAHAHAH! Did you SEEEE? Did you SEE that? And Johnny Depp was like KA-POW!...."
"Yeah. I saw."
"...Why aren't you laughing?"
(Do unto others as you would have them do unto you two loaves five fish two loaves five fish first remove the log in your own eye before you beat the crap out of your date - no! TWOLOAVESFIVEFISHTWOLOAVESFIVEFISH!)
"I'm laughing on the inside."
Except I wasn't. And I doubt tonight will be a ride in the park either. Getting sms:es from the other nightgaurds wishing me the best of luck and Vaya con Dios and all that isn't helping much either. Can someone hold me? If I go to work only to go down in flames and humiliation, I don't want to go down alone.
All in all, I'm a terrible person. On the 26 th day of March, 19**, God created a Creep and saw that it was a giant barf.
I would not be a terrible person, I would not be going through a tumorous guilt trip if not for the fact that I'll be meeting one of these no-second-daters tonight. This is the downfall of dating someone you've worked with, who you thought was only a summertime security guard but who is NOT. Because he's BACK. Like CHUCKY. Only BIGGER. And he has a BATON the size of a BATON because he has an actual BATON and the HORROR of it all does not encourage silly metaphors or lower case letters.
The first warning sign came when he asked me if I really wanted to go out with him. I answered yes, because someone amazingly insane once said to "do unto others as you would do unto yourself", and I'm not so sure I would want someone laughing in my face. Besides, everyone deserves a chance, right? And on top of THAT, not every boy who asks you out wants to sleep with you, some just want to be your freind. With benefits. And that's an entirely different matter. B then goes on to tell me about all the bad experiences he's had with women who say yes, they would love to go out, but never turn up on their first date, leaving him standing alone at the cinema, ticket stubs in one hand, a sad little droopy corsage in the other. I mean come on. You don't tell reluctant potential dates that you're the guy nobody wants to go out with. It's like suicide. Only sadder.
The second warning sign revealed itself as I slid into his car for the first and last time. There's a tape lying on the dashboard. "Oh," methinks. "he is a musically inclined fellow." Turns out he is a Patsy (in)Cline(d) fellow. "Top twenty Truckers Favorites - The Best of Country Ever." I laughed, I cried, he stared at me laughing & he stared at me laughing till I was crying. Well, I don't really feel the need to elaborate. "Do unto others" never covered country.
We went to see The Pirates of the Caribbean which was as I suppose it was intended to be- a pleasant matinee, all the perfect ingredients for a 'nice' movie. But it wasn't hilarious. And while I smiled through a larger portion of it, my date guffawed his heart out, occasionally pausing to mercilessly jab me in the ribs. There's popcorn flying everywhere.
"Did you see that? That was so funny. Why aren't you laughing?"
"I'm smiling in the dark, only you can't see it, because I'm black."
"Was that a joke?"
"Okay."
(half a minute later)
"HAHAHAH! Did you SEEEE? Did you SEE that? And Johnny Depp was like KA-POW!...."
"Yeah. I saw."
"...Why aren't you laughing?"
(Do unto others as you would have them do unto you two loaves five fish two loaves five fish first remove the log in your own eye before you beat the crap out of your date - no! TWOLOAVESFIVEFISHTWOLOAVESFIVEFISH!)
"I'm laughing on the inside."
Except I wasn't. And I doubt tonight will be a ride in the park either. Getting sms:es from the other nightgaurds wishing me the best of luck and Vaya con Dios and all that isn't helping much either. Can someone hold me? If I go to work only to go down in flames and humiliation, I don't want to go down alone.
