"...You and me baby, ain't nothing but mammals, so let's do it like they on the discovery channel."

The first sign that a budding relationship is going to get bad, very bad, bad like an armpit bad - it's by terminology the object of your affection uses.

These are the no-no's.

"Okay, let's run." (after realising that the bill for dinner has mysteriously dwindled to 35 crowns for no apparant reason while he was in the bathroom.)

"Spleenie"- that he calls you by your online screen name as opposed to say, your real name. Despite repeated slaps and screams of "SAY MY NAME BITCH!"

"You turn me on, baby" is replaced by the phrase "My body is prepared for you." You can hear by the slight tremmor of his voice that this is possibly the greatest honour that he can bestow on you, ever.

"I find you very f*ckable" as opposed to, say - "You look very pretty today." Or "Your hair smells good." I would have even settled for a "Your eyes look less beady today than they usually do." I would have settled for less.

Makes you want to get double jointed so you could kick yourself in the dear-e-air. Keep in mind that I'm not excessively violent, I'm not even remotely violent, I wouldn't steal candy from a baby unless it was like a bar of Snickers or Mars or maybe even Twix in a pinch, I'm just tired of the little traditional 'pock' sound ones head makes after ramming it into yet another metaphorical wall.