Siiiinging in the rain - no more!
Since the topic of urine came up tonight, I felt obligated to tell Andreas about one of my exes- the golden shower boy, because you know how you love hearing about exes from the one you love.
Well, he didn’t, so I turn to you instead. So here is a semi-complete official list accounting for my whereabouts from age 18-25, who I was where-abouting with, and why I will never,never where-about with them ever again. True accounts of a laughable love life. But it is only a semi-complete in that I’ve dated about sixty or so men in my lifetime, these are just the ones that have stood out more than the others, or less than the others depending on your angle. I’ve not slept with absolutely all of these men, but it’s a selection of the weird sad and preposterous. Just the way I like it. So here's the list.
The definite lays.
1.The Firstie. Had actual mental disease. Also told me my vagina was flaccid.
2.The ex-obsessor. Landmarked the town depending on where he had had sex with ex. Pointed these out, repeatedly.
3. The guy who lived downstairs to a stripper. When I used to find her clothes on his bedroom floor. Figured maybe she changed into her outfit there, pre-show. never quite understood why.
4.The guy whose code for horny was “My body is ready for you”.
5.The one-nighter guy who invited me to a party in his pants. No party, but extensive wild-life Park. Could have sworn that was a tiny ranger I rescued.
The almosts.
6.The man who thought I was frighteningly dominant in bed and then thought it would be kosher to stalk me.
The no-sex but ...."interesting" guys.
7.The guy who told me that his ex was one month pregnant with his baby two months into our relationship.
8.The guy who asked me to pee in his mouth. I said I’d think about it, but I didn’t really.
9.The guy who I only had a brief encounter with- he brought his sado-masochism kit with him. Thought it was touching that he wanted to share till he leaned over to retrieve something and his comb-over slipped.
10.The guy called me and crying over a bad hair-cut. I laughed at first, because I thought he was pretending, but then he didn't stop so I hung up.
So when put in perspective, there’s something incredibly special about being engaged to a man with good hair, good teeth, and who prefers to do do his business in the bathroom. Someone who loves me, without strings or vines attatched. Someone who finds delight in pressing his bum into my crotch while we're spooning, and emptying the day's reserves of gases, giggling wildly. But I guess we can't all be perfect.
Well, he didn’t, so I turn to you instead. So here is a semi-complete official list accounting for my whereabouts from age 18-25, who I was where-abouting with, and why I will never,never where-about with them ever again. True accounts of a laughable love life. But it is only a semi-complete in that I’ve dated about sixty or so men in my lifetime, these are just the ones that have stood out more than the others, or less than the others depending on your angle. I’ve not slept with absolutely all of these men, but it’s a selection of the weird sad and preposterous. Just the way I like it. So here's the list.
The definite lays.
1.The Firstie. Had actual mental disease. Also told me my vagina was flaccid.
2.The ex-obsessor. Landmarked the town depending on where he had had sex with ex. Pointed these out, repeatedly.
3. The guy who lived downstairs to a stripper. When I used to find her clothes on his bedroom floor. Figured maybe she changed into her outfit there, pre-show. never quite understood why.
4.The guy whose code for horny was “My body is ready for you”.
5.The one-nighter guy who invited me to a party in his pants. No party, but extensive wild-life Park. Could have sworn that was a tiny ranger I rescued.
The almosts.
6.The man who thought I was frighteningly dominant in bed and then thought it would be kosher to stalk me.
The no-sex but ...."interesting" guys.
7.The guy who told me that his ex was one month pregnant with his baby two months into our relationship.
8.The guy who asked me to pee in his mouth. I said I’d think about it, but I didn’t really.
9.The guy who I only had a brief encounter with- he brought his sado-masochism kit with him. Thought it was touching that he wanted to share till he leaned over to retrieve something and his comb-over slipped.
10.The guy called me and crying over a bad hair-cut. I laughed at first, because I thought he was pretending, but then he didn't stop so I hung up.
So when put in perspective, there’s something incredibly special about being engaged to a man with good hair, good teeth, and who prefers to do do his business in the bathroom. Someone who loves me, without strings or vines attatched. Someone who finds delight in pressing his bum into my crotch while we're spooning, and emptying the day's reserves of gases, giggling wildly. But I guess we can't all be perfect.
